1904: FOOTBALL JOKES. WIT AND HUMOUR AT THE MATCHES. Half a-crown is offered weekly for the best joke overheard or incident witnessed at a football match. Editor reserves to himself the right to publish any of the other jokes sent in. All letters should be addressed the Joke Editor, "Football Post" Office, North Lindsay Street, Dundee. Competitors should state whether their contributions are original or extracted. If extracted the source must be stated.
TRAINING AT ABERDEEN. Overheard at the Aberdeen and Huntly match at Pittodrie Park last Saturday. "I saw oor first team training this morning, Jamie." Jamie - "Far, Dod?" At the Joint Station," was Dod's reply. Prize of 2s George Phillips, 66 John Street, Aberdeen.
"HE MIGHT BE THERE." It is a well known fact that it takes a lot to keep a miner from his sport. The kick-off at a match between two mining teams was delayed by the non-arrival of two of the players. At last one of them turned up, and the referee in a rage said to him - "Why have you been so long?" "Well you see," said the collier, "there wis a fa' of coal where I work, and I had tae bide and redd it up before I cam' awa." "And will the other player be long in turning up?" asked the referee. "Weel, he micht be a while," the player said. "It wis him the coal fell on." - A. Logan, East Wemyss.
TWA POINTS. A well-known footballer had been enjoying himself one Saturday evening after playing a League game with a Glasgow team. On awakening next morning, feeling rather thirsty, he went to the cupboard where his usual supply was kept, but was surprised at not finding any. He asked his mother why she didn't get his beer on Saturday night for him. "Losh, laddie," replied his mother, "did ye no tell me yesterday that ye wus tae bring twa pints (points) hame wi ye frae Glesca?" - J. L., Meigle.
SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND. A number of youths desirous of forming a football club called upon a few shopkeepers, and asked for a small donation to help them in providing the necessities for their team. Amongst the shops they visited was one kept by an old lady, a dealer in second-hand furniture. In answer to her query of what they wanted, one of them began by saying - Would you please give us few coppers for our football." Fes, yes." interrupted the old lady, bring it in." - Patrick Tackney, Lochee.
"WEATHER NOT TO BLAME." During a junior football match at Dundee Esplanade on Saturday one spectator said to another that the "Stripes" wadna feel very warm the day, as they wore awful thin jerseys. "Ay," said the other. "I dinna think it matters very much, they seem tae be a "cauld" team at onyrate." - John Turnbull, Dundee.
COULDN'T AFFORD IT. A First Division League match was in progress at Dens Park between Dundee and a prominent Glasgow team, when the following conversation between two urchins was heard: First Urchin - " Jimmy, hisna' that centre lang hair!" Second Urchin - " A'weel, he maybe canna get it cut wi peyin' intae the team." - James Clark, Dundee.
IMPUDENCE. Some little boys who were playing football with an empty lobster tin outside a public house in the twilight had been asked repeatedly by the landlord to go away, as they annoyed him. The next evening, just as he was sitting down to tea, a little chap walked into the saloon bar, knocked loudly and upon the publican coming out said, "If you please, guv'ner, will you send your potman out to light your big lamps. We can't see to play our cup tie." - William Barrow, Lewes, Sussex.
IMAGINATION. A Partick Thistle enthusiast arrived home after the Dundee League match very much the worst of liquor, and his wife said him, "What dae ye mean, Tam, coming hame like that. Ye said ye were tae tak a glass for every goal that Partick scored. They maun hae scored a bit, according to your condition." Tam - "Ay, Jean, a grand score." Jean - "Weel, the 'Post' says - Dundee 3; Partick, 0." Tam - "Ye'r richt. Jean (hic). But this (hic) was afore the match began." - Jas. C. Turnbull, Dundee.
THE REFEREE'S MISTAKE. At a junior football match recently played on Fairmuir between Parkmore and Violet during a scrimmage in the Violet goalmouth the referee was seen scratching his head, when someone shouted for a penalty. The referee in the excitement put the whistle on his head, and blew his bonnet. - W. Denholm, Dundee.
ONE FOR THE GAFFER. Last Saturday forenoon a joiner, who was a Partick Thistle supporter, exclaimed boastfully to another workman who was on the job, "Look, see?, the Thistle'll jist pit through the goals like that the day," as he drove one or two nails quickly into the floor he was laying. "Weel, thae's a aff-side," replied the "gaffer," who was a Dundonian, and had came upon the scene unnoticed. "What wye," asked the joiner. Cos," returned the gaffer, "Nock oot that bit flairin' again, an' ye'll see for yersel' that yer pitin' the best side doonmist." - John Crombie, Dunfermline.
BAD NEWS. A worthy who was wanting to go to Edinburgh to see the semi-final of the Scottish Cup last season knew his boss wouldn't let him, so resolved to go without asking. On the following Monday morning he was asked where he had been, to which be replied. " Man, I got a telegram that a freend o' the wife's had drappit in Edinburgh." "That's serious news," remarked tbe boss, "sudden failure of the heart's action or what?" " Na," returned the worthy, who was thinking of the match more than anything else. "It wis rather the opposite." - John Combie, Dunfermline.
WALK OVER. At a football match a short time ago a spectator who had never seen a football match before got excited at the way the home team tricked their opponents. He cried very loud, "Come away the home team." There was a player lying down with the ball at his feet, and rest of the plavers were walking over him, so the spectator yelled out. "Good enough; a walk over for the homesters by 5-3." - John Strachan, Dundee.
Source : Dundee Evening Post Saturday January 23rd, 1904